Down and almost out

I have to admit something that disgusts me.  I am on a real bad swing of self-disgust.  I hate my fatness.  I hate feeling like I have no energy and that I'm a big blob of waste.  I cry every day, and hate it when I have to see anyone, or rather when anyone sees me.  I know the no energy thing causes some of my problems and is actually caused by my physical problems, but I also feel so very lazy.  I sleep, wake up, eat breakfast, fall asleep, wake up, go out with the dog and feed the horses. then come in and eat a small lunch, then fall back asleep, and so on.  It seems like I sleep my life away.  On days where I don't sleep as much, I tire myself out and the next several days are shot.  Now today, my day was shot and I feel like crap.  I have a cold and I am totally exhausted and so short of breath. And I'm feeling sorry for myself.  My cousins won't talk to me on facebook. 

What are toes, fingers, ankles, nose? and other things that are bothering me.

answer: Things that hurt today.  I don't know why fibromyalgia 'chooses' what parts to hurt, I only know that it changes almost daily.  Today it is my toes, fingers, ankles and nose.  And it took me several times of writing ankles, to know if the spelling is right.  I wonder if things like this will ever get better.  Tomorrow it may be my tongue, my ears, or my knees that hurt. Some days its a guessing game, because I have so many little twitches and zaps of electricity that I can only guess where the pain is going to end up.  Some days, these little twitches and zaps just continue the whole day without real 'pain' as it were.  Yesterday my eyes hurt and I was constantly using my eye drops.
On other notes, I miss my kids.  I miss them being little and coming to me for love and attention.  These days if I hear from them I consider myself lucky.  I look at the portrait of them and cry.  They are so grown up and don't need me anymore.  All I ever cared about was being a mom, and now I feel liek even that has been taken from me.  sure I'm still a mom, but they don't need me anymore.  It makes me sad.  I really do miss those grubby little boys.  I love them with all my heart. I just hope I have let them know that, and that they believe it.

not enough, then too much

I can't figure out what is going on with me.  Lately i have felt happy and content, but now I am feeling like I'm missing out on something, like something is wrong.  i don't want to live this way.  I feel so all alone.  i feel like i am missing out on something. the tears come so easily, and i can't explain why.  i'm afraid if i tell my family what i'm feeling they'll judge me and find me not up to their expectations.  I am just a person, like many others, but with a lot more baggage. 
One of the worst things, beyond the pain, is this stupid fatigue.  I can barely get out of bed some days. and even out of bed, i find i physically can't get anything done because the two things together make me feel like i'm going to collapse.  this is making it very hard on dave, who i then count on to do everything.  i need someone or something to give me a kick in the ass, and force me to get up and do the dishes and clean the house, even if that means i'm bawling my eyes out while doing it.

More bad days ahead

Hello All,  
well, it has been another nasty day.  I can't believe the sinus problem I'm having.  The pain I'm having is making my teeth ache.  I was afraid to even go to dentist today, so rebooked.  Between the sinus' and the fibro, I'm ready to quit.  This is such a horrible way to live, and it's really getting me down.  This weather isn't helping when I look out the window and see overcast hazy rainy days.  Even the snow didn't help today because everything looks muddy and gloomy.  I went out and hugged my critters and that helped for a few minutes, until I came back inside.  Can't stay outside though because  it makes my body ache even more.

Nerves and how they repair themselves

So lately, the pain has been getting worse and worse on my left side, the side paralized by the strokes.  Well the good news is, that is the good news.  This pain, especially in my left leg means that the nerves in the brain are regenerating and working again.  So in this case pain is a good thing.  I just wish the doctors had told me this.  I thought something was wrong and the pain was so bad I felt like amputating my leg would be the only thing to take the pain away.  I seriously cried every day.  This pain is more severe than any I've experienced before.  Even the merry drugs I take wouldn't take the pain away.  And of course the doc only gave me half the usual amount of perc's than he usually does as he is afraid I'm becoming addicted.  I'm not and I don't think he understands addiction vs. tolerance.  My body has become more tolerant of the drug, therefore I require more to rid myself of the pain.  But I am not addicted.  If I were addicted I would wake up dying for one.  I would need more and more and wouldn't be able to live without them, even on good days. 
One more thing that has been driving me crazy is the 'bugs' that crawl under my skin all the time.  It has gotten much worse than normal for me.  The come alive at night when I'm trying to relax and go to sleep.  And when they are crawling around I swear if I looked down I could see them.  But even I know they aren't real.  But they sure feel real.  
I don't know how or when this is ever going to end, but I have hope.  Without hope, life isn't worth living.  I have too much to live for.  A wonderful husband.  Three amazing sons.  Two even more amazing granddaughters. my horse, my donkey, my dog and my cat.  I have some amazing friends that keep me going.