Well here we are.  It is Nov. 27, 2011.  It was 14 degrees F. today.  No snow yet, just occassional flurries that melt. 
I am changed.  I am not the same person I was before the strokes.  I am trying hard to change my ways and stay healthy.  The doc believes that I have a blocked artery in my heart, so I will be going through testing soon (I hope....no appt. yet).  I've got to say I'm scared.  I also have pulmonary hypertension so that's more shit I have to look forward to.
So I'm not my usual self.  I'm sorry I'm not updating as much.  I don't have a lot to say lately.

Health and Living

Well, life has handed me another hurdle to get over.  On the 7th and the 9th of July I suffered two strokes which left me paralized on the left side.  I  have since regained most of my functions and only have some problems with dragging my left foot when I walk and problems with my arm and leg going numb.
I am going to see the doctor today for a checkup and hopefully get me signed up for my physio, which I haven't started yet obviously.  I am hoping to gain back normal feeling and use of my left leg as I want  to take a trip across the country to see some cousins.
I have yet to get back on my horse, which is something I really want to do soon.  But haven't done yet because my husband is afraid to let me because of my balance problems.
I'm sorry for not updating this blog regularly and I will try to keep up at least once a week!  Thanks to my subscribers for their patience!

Thank you to great Doctors

Well, today I went for a follow-up visit with Dr. Holmes.  Let me tell you, after years of seeing the previous two family doctors, this guy really knows how to find out what is causing my health problems.  First time I saw him, he diagnosed a severe kidney infection, one that he figures I have had for months if not years.  After 5 weeks of antibiotics, I'm still looking at another 4-6 weeks.  Now with the rest of the bloodwork and other tests results, it seems that that is not my only problem.  I also have a long standing stomach infection which has caused inflammation and some other more minor problems.....all easily fixed if caught in time.  I wonder if in our countries search for more doctors, we are giving rights to doctors from other countries that just don't meet the grade. 

As for other aspects of my life.....we have again had snow, and in fact are still in the throes of a snow storm right now.  It's supposed to end within the next few hours, but I know that we have received more than 8" in less than 24 hours.  And here I thought it was spring!  Mother nature is fooling us again. 

. you

I want to first thank my two followers of this blog.  I wonder sometimes if I should just quit, but I think I'm doing it for me more than for anyone else, so I will continue.
The weather is finally showing absolute signs of spring!  The robins are back - I've seen at least 5 already.  The graders are out fixing the roads. The horses are standing in the muck and mud in their fields, and the chipmunks are back.  The worst of spring is the flies and bugs coming back into my life...yuk!  We have these lovely asian beetles, that look like ladybugs, but stink to high hell!  They are finding ways into my house (or maybe they've been here all along, just hibernating, but I can't stand to think of that).  The snow is almost gone, except in the places that don't get much sun, and in those places it's holding on a little longer, almost as if it does not want to go either.  It's a bad time for me pain wise.  The dampness makes my life a living hell for those days until the sun dries everything out nice, and before the humidity of the summer starts.  Everything that can ache, does. 
But enough about the aches and pains.  I cannot dwell on that, or I will sit and cry and fall into a depression again, and I can't have that happening.  The bipolar is under control, and I feel like a real person now.  I don't want to lose me again, in some weird fantasy world, where no one else's feelings matter.
I am better for now, and that's all that matters.  Hopefully one of these days it will be warm (and dry) enough for me to go out riding.  Cece is getting a little tired of not being taken out for his first gallop of the year!  Lets just hope that all the yoga has worked towards my balance problems, and that I can actually stay on!  lol
:)

Once more with Feeling

Well, it's been a while since my pain was this bad, but today it is almost bringing me to tears.  Anyone who knows me can tell you it takes a lot of pain to do that.  Being in pain since I have been a kid has taught me to tough it out in most cases, but today, I can't.  Don't feel sorry for me though, I don't want that.  I'm just telling you, so that you will understand that when you see tears, it's bad.  I can usually hide things pretty well, but I can't hide this today.
I'm curled up on the couch with a sweater and a fuzzy blanket and my computer on my lap.  My meds are on the table beside me, along with the phone and a gingerale.  The guinea pigs are squeaking and chasing each other around in their cage.  Lucy is sleeping on the floor at my side.  Now if only Chico and Cece could be here with me, I would be surrounded by my cherished animals.  I would love my granddaughters here as well, but with the pain today, I don't think I could handle them. 
Anyway, can't type anymore right now....my fingers are swelling as we speak.  Stay tuned for more!

Life as I know it

Well, now that I have the bipolar under control, I am feeling more like I should be.  No bad thoughts, no thoughts of being more than what I am, no thoughts of death and dying.  But....and there is always a but in my life...I am still dealing with a few more health problems.  Some things, like the Crohn's and the fibromyalgia will never go away.  But hopefully I can work at getting them under some sort of control.  I am on week 3 of this horrible antibiotic for the kidney infection.  As a lot of women know, antibiotic = yeast infection.  I am working hard to make sure that doesn't happen to me.  I've cut out most of the sweets, I'm eating all that 'good' yogurt, and I'm taking loads of probiotics.  So far so good.  All in all, things are getting much better.  This yukky wet damp weather is not doing me any favours as it drives my joints crazy, but, I can deal with that.
I am still waiting for my brothers and sisters to make up with me, and start a sibling relationship again, but I think I will have a long wait.  My brothers are talking to me, but my sisters are another story.  I'm so glad for my 'far away' relatives and my wonderful friends, who I am now considering my family.  I can't wait until spring, and hope that I can go west and have a visit with my cousin Lori and her daughters, Genesis, Sarah, Che and Rebekkah.  They are such wonderful people.  I have only seen Rebekkah when she was a baby, so I don't know that I would even recognize her.  But her sisters love me, and hopefully she will get to know and love me too.

Catching Up

Well, since I haven't blogged in a while, I thought that I would catch you all up to what has been happening in my life......which isn't much.  Nick has brought my wonderful granddaughters out to visit, and I love it.  They are beautiful girls. I just wish that they had a mother that would spend more time working with them and teaching them.  Evelyn starts school in the fall, and can't even spell her own name yet.  She doesn't even know the alphabet.  She doesn't know her numbers well either, and when you ask how old she is, she can't tell you.  She is such a smart, bright child, with a wonderful imagination.  I do hope that she is able to go to school, and catch up to the other children. 
Well, I have been feeling much more optimistic about my health.  I have been still dealing with some strange, painful migraines lately.  I have also been dealing with a lot of  pain, as well as a continued overgrowth of Candida.  I was diagnosed with a kidney infection, and that makes my pain much, much, more intrusive.  I am so tired that I find it hard just to get out of bed, shower and try to clean the house a bit.  I have dishes to be washed, and I feel so exhausted, that I can't even summon up the energy to get up and do anything.  The bipolar meds are working, and I'm feeling what may be mostly classed as normal, (whatever that is!)  I had a small wine party for my friends, and had a ball.  My friends are wonderful people, and sometimes I feel they are more family than friends.  They are there for me, and love me regardless of what I do or say.  They forgive me for indiscretions, and just get on with life.
I guess I am blessed.....wonderful friends, wonderful mom, wonderful kids and grandkids, and a very special husband.  I do not know why he loves me so much, and has forgiven me for all the stupid things I did, but I am so glad that he does, and that I have him by my side. 

More Doctors, more diagnosis

Well, I went to have a physical today at the new Ontario Health Clinic.  Dr Holmes was very nice and did a range of tests on me.  Seems that I have a kidney infection, which I didn't know I had, and he thinks I have had it for at least a month now...not good.  The longer you have a kidney infection, the more damage done to your kidney.  hmmmm.  Not liking this.  Why is it when we get one thing figured out, another one becomes obvious to the doctor.  It explains a lot though...the abdominal and back pain, the night sweats, the even more than usual fatigue.  Oh well, I'm very tired right now. Time for a nap before I have to pick Dave up.  I'll write more later!

Love, Family and Religion

Well, yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I had a very nice day.  It started off with a nice lie-in in the morning.  Then Bill and Mary surprised me by bringing my mother, and pizza here for lunch.  It was wonderful to have some company, and to have it be family is even better.  Then, in the afternoon Dave came home early tonight, and did up the dishes while he encouraged me to lie down for a much needed nap.  We had a nice evening at home, and off to bed nice and early.
Now to the business of Religion.  My "friend" C is a Jehovah's Witness.  She has been doing bible study with me for a few years off and on.  But, now we are getting into some of the more unbelievable parts of being a witness.  I can't believe that people believe these things.  She told me, in so many words that only those that have become witness' will be saved when the end of the earth comes. As well as some other things that I find ridiculous.  I decided to do some of my own research on the web, and I found out that if I stop bible study, she will be encouraged to walk away from our "friendship" and not waste her time on me anymore.  That being the case, I have decided that I have to get myself used to the idea of losing her friendship.  I get very frustrated with religions like that.  I was taught that a just God is the only kind of God that we have.  Regardless of religion.  God forgives all.  God loves us all and is ready to to forgive our sins.  The witness' believe so much difference.  Now please don't think I'm just picking on them, but they are the only ones that I have learned about, with the opposite views.  I am beginning to think that Religion is the root of all evil, because organized religion tears families apart and makes people feel like they have failed.  Organized religion is the cause of many wars.  Oh well, enough of my tirade!  We'll get back into it another day.
On a health note, my abdomen is hurting every time I eat.  I do believe that I have scar tissue built up just in from the stoma, and that has severely narrowed the intestine.  I hope the new doctors will listen to me, and take that into consideration when I talk to them tomorrow.  Also, Dr. B will be happy to hear that I have made some breakthrough's as to what has been bothering me since I was a child. 
People really need to try harder to protect their children from older children 'predators', and I hope that my kids remember this, with their children.  Really know the older kids that you trust to look after your kids.  REally know the adults that you trust with your children.  If you get any funny feelings in the pit of your stomach, pay attention to them.  Don't feel bad, to say no.  Better to keep your children safe, then to worry about making someone else feel bad.
ANyway, that's all for today.  Have a great day everyone!  And if you love chocolate like I do, get out there and shop for some great deals today!

Valentines Missed

I wasn't feeling well enough to have Evelyn come spend the night last night, so now Amanda is PO'd again, so I probably won't see the girls today.  I miss them terribly.  I would give anything to be able to see them more often.  They are the main of what keeps me going, when all else is going wrong.
I often wonder why people can't be more forgiving.  I have forgiven others, and continue to do so.  I'm not one to hold a grudge.  But boy, there are some out there that don't care.  I've done them wrong, and now I am not worth their forgiveness?  I wish so much for my sisters back.  I miss them so much also.  am so grateful for my wonderful friends...the real ones that stay with me, no matter what I have went through, or done, or the mistakes I have made.  They realize that we as a society are not perfect, and they don't expect it of me.  I am also grateful for my sons, and the way they love me, unconditionally.  I will step back, so that Nick will not have that added stress in his life.....but in doing so, my heart is breaking over and over again.  Casey is a wonderful daughter-in-law.  No matter what, she never wants to come between Jack and us.  She is very forgiving, and very loving.  My relationship with Riki-lee is much better now that we do not live in the same house.  That she loves Kenny, is the one thing that makes her wonderful in my eyes.  She is good for him.
So, for my friends out there, thank you.  For my relatives that have stuck by me, I love you, thank you.  I am blessed.

Norwegian Star Cabin 9732, Although this isn't us, this was the suite we were in for our Alaskan Cruise last May.

Brantford Flash Mob

I'm such a monster!

I was just clipping Missy and Peanuts long nails with the new clippers I bought, when Missy flung out her back leg, and I ended up clipping that nail way to low.  Now the poor thing is bleeding terribly (or at least it looks like it to me)  I tried a styptic stick, but that didn't work. So then I held pressure on it.  That worked somewhat.  I have put her back in her cage, and hopefully it will slow right down and stop shortly.  Had to change my shirt which was covered in blood, then rinse the towel out, which was soaked in blood.  I wonder how much blood they have.  I hope she stops soon.  I don't want to be a murderer!

Sleeping In

Well, we slept in this morning and Dave was late for work.  Crazy. I was up almost all night, and then I sleep in.  I just truly hope he doesn't get into trouble at work - they are firing ppl for less :(

Bad Nights = Bad Days

It is completely driving me crazy.  I had a horrible night.  My neck, shoulders, hips and feet hurt so bad last night.  And then, today the shoulders feel like someone snapped them in pieces.  I have felt so depressed too.  Had a good talk with my mom yesterday, and had a good cry.  I miss her so much, but we just can't get our dates straight to get together.  Off to Dr. N today, and hoping that he gives me a bigger prescription for my percs.

Margaret Trudeau

Just watched Margaret Trudeau on CTV talking with her daughter-in-law Sophia about her mental illness.  She was diagnosed in 2000 with bi-polar disorder.  Her newest book, Changing My Mind was very helpful to me, when I was diagnosed.  She is a smart woman, who is not afraid to tell people about what she has went through, and how she is well on that healing road.  I hope someday, I can see her in person, and meet her. 

Unhappy Hump Day

Well, for my first post, I'd like to thank anyone who is reading this, and who decides to follow my blog.
 It is a bad day today.  I am in a lot of pain, and together with the fatigue, I don't really want to get out of bed.  I don't even have the energy to cry today.  Just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep.  I'd better do it today, because tomorrow is the day to visit my doctor about the pain and trying to get some pain meds that actually work.  He gives me percocets, but is afraid to give me too many because after a year, he still thinks I will become addicted.  I think if I was going to be addicted, it would have happened long ago.  I have written letters to my brothers and sisters, apologizing for the mistakes I have made in the past, due to my bi-polar.  I am hoping that they will forgive me, and give me a chance to be a vital part of the family again.  The way it stands now, they are not my family.  They are just people born of the same parents.  I know that I've done lots of things wrong, but I believe I deserve another chance.